In the Name of Love
by Backroads
Summary: Girls fight over Neville. Much with chaos, OOCness, blood & guts, and stupidity.
1. In the Name of Love

Cho Chang put on a second coat of lipstick and dashed some powder on her nose. Then she smiled. Perfect hair. Perfect teeth. That new waterproof mascara was holding up great. She was ready for. . . him!

She sighed to herself as she thought about her crush. He was so cute! 

She put her makeup back in her bag and headed towards the bathroom door. Just as she grabbed the doorknob, the door flew open, and Cho was thrown back against the wall.

"Oh, zorry!" a familiar voice said.

Cho recognized the voice immediately. She put on her best fake smile as Fleur Delacour entered the bathroom. "Fleur! How nice to see you!"

Fleur flashed an equally-fake smile. "'ow nize to zee 'ou as vell! 'Ou look very nize!" She walked past Cho to the mirror and ran a brush through her mirror. "Now I zimply must get ready for. . . . . someone special!"

Cho narrowed her eyes.

Outside the bathroom were voices. One voice in particular.

Cho's heart leapt inside of her, and she opened the door.

Fleur gasped and dropped her brush. "Out of ze way, Cho!"

Cho slipped outside and slammed the door as hard as she could. Then, with all her might, she held it closed.

"'Ou have broke my nail! Dis iz most outrageous!" Fleur screamed. "Open zis door immediately!"

There was a blast, and the door fell from the hinges. Cho broke into a run.

Fleur sent out a well-placed Jelly-legs curse.

"You slut!" Cho screamed. She pulled out her wand, fixed her legs, and shot a curling spell at Fleur's hair.

"My hair! It iz not meant to be curled!" Fleur wailed. She tossed her wand to the side and flung herself at Cho. "I vill keel you, tramp!"

Cho, as soon as Fleur's hands were around her throat, put all her stress into pulling Fleur's curls.

"Hi. What's the fight about?"

The girls let go of each other. It was him.

"Neville!" they shrieked in unison.

Neville considered running.

"I. . . I vas trying a new 'air style!" Fleur said, running for her wand.

Cho tripped her. "How are you doing, Neville?"

"Um, all right."

Fleur ran back her wand. She sent a water-spell all over Cho's head. "Now 'ou vill frizz!"

Cho screamed as her hair frizzed.

Hermione Granger walked up to Neville and smiled flirtatiously at him. "Hey. Wanna go make out in the Quidditch field?"

Cho and Fleur stared at Hermione. Then they both screamed and leapt at her.

Hermione pulled out her wand. "I'll fight for my man!"

Neville walked away as the three girls fought it out. 

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley saw him about ten minutes later.

"Poor Neville," Ron said to Harry. "D'ya think he'll ever get a girlfriend?"


	2. Working Together Story 2

There was power in twinhood.  Oh, yes.  It was an unwritten rule that no breathing male could resist identical twin sisters.  Especially beautiful, sexy, vivacious, charming, exotic sisters.  Especially the Patil twins, Padma and Parvati.

            They weren't as close as one might expect identical twins to be—their different temperaments had, after all, sent them to different Houses—but they were still sisters, loyal to one another, ready to work together.  

            One of them might get lucky.

            They spent three hours in Padma's dormitory, experimenting with every make-up and hair technique Ravenclaw females had ever come up with, looking in the mirror in disgust, and starting over.  Parvati and Padma already knew they were the cutest girls in school, but that might not be enough.  They had to look perfect.

            Finally, they were ready.  The house-elf they had asked to spy for them darted into the room, exhilarated from finishing an assigned task.  "He is there, he is!  In Greenhouse 5!"

            "Doing extra credit, I suppose," said Padma.

            Both girls sighed.

            "He is sooo smart!" Parvati declared.  "Well, let's go!"  

            Yes, the power of twins was amazing.

            But sometimes twins could be a crowd. Though they both acted friendly toward each other, tension was high.

            And so, at a rather steep staircase, Parvati performed a basic tripping curse on her sister.  With a scream and not a few hardcore swear words, Padma tumbled down, down, down to the floor.  She groggily sat up, then screamed again.

            "By nose!" she sobbed.  "Youb bwoke it!"

            Indeed, blood poured down her new designer dress robes.  

            Parvati stood at the top and cackled. "Your nose isn't so cute anymore, is it?!"

            She laughed so much that she didn't notice the footsteps behind her until she heard a familiar voice.

            "Parvati, you're my best friend in the whole world.  I know we promised each other a guy would never come between us, but. . . I'm sorry.  I hope you can forgive me."  And with that, Lavender Brown dumped a pan of treacle tart all over Parvati.

            "You tramp!" Parvati screeched.  She whirled around and put a Bubble-head charm on Lavender, distorting the effects of her latest make-over.

            Fleur Delacour saw the whole thing from the shadows where she hid. With a triumphant laugh, she darted down the stairs, past the feuding Parvati and Lavander, past the hysterical Padma, and toward the door.  Her hand was almost on the knob when a voice came from above.

            "Die, you Moulin Rouge wannabe!"  Cho Chang circled lower on her broom before shooting a stream of something dark and sticky from her wand.

            Fleur nearly cried as some of. . . it landed in her perfect hair.  But she hadn't been Beauxbaton's champion for nothing!  She quickly put up a shield, and the remaining stream ricocheted back into Cho's eyes.  Momentarily blinded, she slammed into a wall.  When she cleared the stuff away, she realized she had broken a nail.  Her life was over. Neville would never want her now.

            Hermione Granger was the last to enter the chaos.  She sighed impatiently.  "Girls, this is ridiculous!  We all want Neville, but none of us can have him if we act like this!  We'll have to work together!"

            As much as the rest didn't want to admit it, she was right.  They cleaned themselves up, and an hour later, they were on their way to Greenhouse 5.  Altogether.  

            They were met with a shower of plant pus as soon as they entered, a shower that covered them from head to toe.

            "Sorry!" called Neville in his sexy voice.  "I didn't think the plant would do that!"

            The girls sighed in unison and walked back out, where Hermione was beaten to a pulp.


	3. Whodunnit?

This was written write after a science test, so there were no brain cells left.  Sorry.

They found the body in Greenhouse 3, tosses behind a dozen bags of dragon manure.  No one was sure how long she had been there.  No, wait.  They did know.  Hermione had thrown a fit in the Great Hall and announced, quite loudly, that she was going to Greenhouse 3 at precisely 12: 47 P.M.  Everyone had heard her.  They also heard the piercing scream precisely eight minutes later.  But no one bothered to check it out.  Heck, it was a greenhouse.  Everyone had screamed at least once in there.

When she did not return to the common room that night, they had all assumed she was studying late at the library. 

It wasn't until the following morning, at precisely—bloody hell, who cares?—that they found the body.  It was Blaise Zabini who found Hermione.  Not that such a fact is important.  

At first, no one could imagine who did such a thing.  Then they examined the evidence.  It was finely deduced that she died of lipstick poisoning.  Something that could happen to anyone, of course.  It was common enough.

But Hermione didn't wear lipstick. She preferred the natural look.

Rumors of foul play spread through the school like wildfire.

Then someone mentioned walking in on Hermione and Neville in an empty classroom.  And we all know what goes on in those empty classrooms.  This same student also recalled seeing Hermione crying later on.

Suspicion turned to Neville.

"She wasn't good enough for you!" the mob accused.

"But. . .but I don't own lipstick!" Neville said.

Which was logical.  That theory didn't last long.  So who would own lipstick?

Other girls.  Cho Chang. Fleur Delacour. The Patil twins. Ginny Weasley. Lavender Brown.  Any of the many girls passionately in love with Neville Longbottom.

For the angry mob, it was all coming together.  The girls were already furious at Hermione for having gotten them all sprayed with plant pus on a former occasion.  The empty classroom incident must have been the last straw.

The girls clung together, weeping and declaring their innocence.  But it was to no avail.

"Take Cho!" Fleur suddenly declared.  "No one likes her anyway!"

As no one did like Cho, the mob and the other girls readily agreed to this.  They prepared a giant tub of non-acetone nail polish remover (watermelon scented!) in which to drown Cho.

"Save me, Neville!" she cried. "I love you!"

But he didn't really like her, either.

But before the execution could be carried out, Draco admitted his guilt in a surprising turn of events.

"It was me," he cried, tears falling down his cheek.  "I loved Hermione!  More than anything!  But she wouldn't have me!  She only loved Neville.  I thought if I framed the other lovely girls, they would resent Neville for this chaos among them and turn to me instead!"

That sounded quite logical, so they forgave him.  

It was less competition for Neville, anyway.


	4. Zombies and Lipstick!

_Yup. I'm actually updating this._

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Ever since the case where Cho Chang was nearly sacrificed to a vat of non-acetone watermelon-scented nail-polish remover, the cat fighting war for Neville took on a new level of viciousness. No more did girls battle loudly in the halls, screaming their love for the Longbottom boy. No more were blatant attacks performed at one another.

There were several reasons for this. For one thing, after Draco had revealed his plan to turn all the hot girls in the school to him, his already-low popularity with the opposite sex plunged violently. If such obvious attempts at Neville attracted scum like him, well, it just wasn't worth it.

As for the second reason... blatant war just didn't seem to be working. And the Hogwarts girls such as Cho and Ginny and the Patil twins, as well as the French heart-breaker Fleur, were smart, intelligent girls. If they weren't brainy, they at least were gifted with a pinch of street smart logic. So, after a surprising night of female bonding with popcorn and a cheap theatre viewing of _Mean Girls_, they all knew what had to be done.

Well, it wasn't quite a Lindsay Lohan disaster, but things were pretty nasty. And being all witches, random cruel pranks could be performed in much more exciting ways that would make _SNL_ cry. For example, Hermione (who was actually napping during the third installment and not really dead) put a Fungus Fun charm on Fleur's Crest White Strips. And Parvati Patil tried to trick Ginny into eating fattening vegetables. Unfortunately, Parvati had gotten that idea from her conniving twin Padma, who actually knew a little about low-carb dieting. So that idea didn't work.

And yet, for a time, nothing seemed to work. Neville went on reasonably happy with his life and not one of them was yet able to score a date with him. Draco, of course, was available, and after a particularly bad crying episode Cho actually had the nerve to get a hamburger at him. But in the territory where Neville was concerned, there was nothing. He simply showed no interest in none of them.

Until she hit the scene.

She had been attending the school with the rest of them, had entered the sorting ceremony right along with Ginny Weasley. She had done her thing, had gone through school with more or less notice than anyone else. She had never been much of a threat. At least, they hadn't seen her that way. But with her long blond hair, brilliant eyes, and psychotic earrings, Luna Lovegood was nothing less than a threat.

Cho and Fleur watched her in the bathroom-their bathroom, their personal battlefield against one another- as she hummed to herself and made notes on how the bathroom mirror was actually a portal to another dimension.

"You know, "Luna said innocently to the girls. "That Hermione Granger? I don't think she was napping, like she said. I think she was really dead."

Cho and Fleur exchanged looks. How was that for crazy? Everyone knew that it was perfectly logical to take naps behind bags of dragon manuere in the greenhouse. So what if they thought she had been dead?

"It was diagnosed as lipstick poisoning," Luna continued, measuring the angle of the mirror to the second stall. "No one survives lipstick poisoning."

Lipstick poisoning. Cho and Fleur both had several tubes with them. Cho had been accused of murdering Hermione.... why couldn't she really murder someone?

Carefully, both girls pulled tubes from their bags (Cherry Pie Muave, Sheer Sheerness, Glistening Gray, and Persian Rose) and moved in on Luna.

"Ah!" she screamed. "There is a conspiracy!" She threw herself at their feet.

"She's giving in," Cho whispered.

"Zat she iz," Fleur replied. "She knows what we want."

"I'll tell you everything I know about the Golden Snidget DNA project!" Luna screamed. "Just don't get lipstick on my new shirt! It attracts zombies like Hermione Granger!"

The girls stared.

It was all the time Luna needed. She leaped to her feet and dashed from the bathroom, notes on the mirror portal clenched in her fist.

"She iz ezcap'ing!" Fleur shouted. "After 'er!"

And so Cho and Fleur dashed after Luna, lipstick clenched in their fists.

But Ginny and Pansy Parkinson were waiting. As it turns out, Pansy could hold her own in the bat-bogie hex department as well. Especially when it came to fighting for Neville.

Cho and Fleur screamed and shielded their faces as the hex came into place.

Luna skidded to a stop and turned to watch all the action. How rude! Even if Fleur and Cho were conspiring against her and the Golden Snidgets.... With a flick of her wand, Luna changed the humidity around Ginny and Pansy.

The girls shrieked as their hair burst into unruly curls.

Luna laughed and turned back around. And almost shrieked herself.

There he was. Neville Longbottom. Luna had never thought much about him, but at that moment something happened. Perhaps it was the way a few renegade bats tumbled in the air above his head, or perhaps how someone just happened to be playing Italian opera somewhere nearby, but her heart fluttered. Neville. Suddenly his name was so tempting to say. So she said it aloud. "Neville."

"Huh?" He stopped his crusade down the hall and looked at her. And she looked back at him, and the music became louder and-

Hermione the Zombie appeared! She was actually looking pretty nice-for a zombie.

Luna sighed and shook her head. Even if she was a pretty zombie, the Granger girl still had the look of crawling from the grave. How could no one else notice? And how dare the zombie intrude on such a moment!

"Grr!" growled Hermione the Zombie. "So the Lovegood girl has entered the war? And Neville, letting her do so. After all that happened in that empty classroom between us!"

Neville stared at her. "Huh? But all that happened there was CPR practice! And it wasn't even with each other! We were using the Resusca-Annies!"

Hermione the Zombie growled again and leaped at Neville.

"Neville!" cried Luna, Ginny, Pansy, Cho, and Fleur. And the latter four also leapt Neville.

Poor Neville screamed.

Luna only shook her head and pulled something from her robe. An amulet against zombies. It was actually a box of chocolate Smarties left over from trick-or-treating eight years ago, but oh well. She hadn't been attacked by zombies that night. She tossed the box.

The box hit Cho instead of the zombie, so she burst into flames. Screaming, she raced down the hall and into a wall, where she at least got to be rendered unconscious as she burned to death. The others girls also screamed and ran off into various walls, but at least they didn't burn.

Luna watched in mild interest. Cho was gone.

But would she come back as a zombie as well?

But that didn't matter. Luna turned to look for Neville. But he had (smartly) fled.

_Thanks to everyone who's read so far!_

_UnicornVampire3z, Tabitha78, Hi Im Crazy, phat duck, Tru Lyz, madame-knight, SugaAngel86, MouseBrat, Emma Kathryn, HotDog-Jo, Anakin McFly, Celebrindal, Harryphsyched, flyingfireworks, Rowlingfan217, PriestessLenoue, Dobby, Tonks, and Angelina, Bloody Mary, I Love Snuffles, Srna, Ladyinparadise, dontstealmyair, Incubus4Lotr11, mariemaia, Ivory Tower, Fanciful Sovereign, Meples, Beaver Buddy, Enter the Extinct Age, and georgia!_


	5. Holiday Spirit

_It's Christmas afternoon, I'm bored, so here's a Christmas treat for y'all. Much death and gruesomeness._

* * *

It was a difficult Christmas for all. Christmases were supposed to be happy and perky, filled with candy canes and screaming toddlers (who fortunately were not allowed to attend Hogwarts, except for the one incident of the child prodigy Jarom.) But not that Christmas. Though the school staff tried to go on with their various holiday traditions (Christmas tree, Christmas feast, evil anti-seasonal vendettas), the recent tragedy was too strong to ignore.

Yes, Cho Chang, who had burned to death after being struck by an eight-year old pack of chocolate Smarties, had returned not as a zombie, but a vampire.

Most students considered it a rumor. After all, J. K. Rowling had been pretty specific about the lack of vampires in the series and besides, vampires never attacked during Christmas! To think otherwise was just silly. And Cho had always been fairly pale. So despite the fact that three quarters of the student body had attended her funeral (in which she was buried next to her ex-boyfriend Cedric against her probable wishes), most would scoff at the idea that she could be undead.

But the various female students of Hogwarts felt differently. They knew. Most of them had been there that fateful day when Luna Lovegood had done Cho in. For days afterwards, Hermione the Zombie had even been kind to Luna, considering Luna's lousy shot simply a defense of Hermione. For that time, the wild fire over Neville Longbottom gave way to a semblance of peace.

Until that Christmas.

Neville loved plants. Ginny Weasley was most aware of that. Pansy Parkinson had once flirtatiously mocked him about it. Padma and Parvati Patil had tried to shower him with rare Indian shrubs. Fleur Delacour often pointed out to him that her name meant "flower." Lavender Brown often pointed out that her name was a flower and needed no translation skills. (Of course, Pansy, being a Slytherin, forgot all about this.)

But no one else had even thought of what Luna dared to do.

"You must come see it, Neville!" Luna had shouted after randomly walking into a common room that was not her own. "A plant! It's amazing!"

So Neville, being Neville, followed her in complete and utter naivety to a classroom. For a moment the thought that this was probably an "empty" classroom fluttered at his mind, and he remembered the CPR practice with Hermione and the resuscitation dummies. But no, this was Luna, the crazy Ravenclaw girl. She wouldn't know anything about CPR or other first-aid skills. So he stepped into the classroom.

It was empty.

And mistletoe hung above the door.

Fear flooded Neville's body as Luna moved in.

Fortunately, Fleur, Pansy, the Patil twins, Lavender, Ginny, and other various non-male students passed by at the time, on their way to join forces against the supernatural powers of Hermione and Cho.

They saw what Luna was about to do to Neville.

"You holiday strumpet!" Ginny shrieked. "I thought you were my friend!"

Luna turned at the outburst. She hadn't expected this. They were all against the liberation of the talking tinsel!

No, that couldn't be right, for they had all signed the petition. Could they be against... her and Neville?

"Run, my darling!" she screamed, pushing Neville to the floor. "Run!"

But the only way to run was out the door. And it was blocked by girls.

Girls made Neville shy.

So he huddled in a corner while chaos reigned.

The non-Luna girls moved in, manicured nails gleaming in the torchlight.

"How dare you use festive decorum against us," Pansy hissed. "How dare you."

"You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first!" Luna replied. She was wearing festive holiday teddy bear earrings. Ones that could easily morph into robotic armor.

Lavender screamed and jumped at Luna. "Rowling has said that you and Neville will never be together!"

That was a lie! Luna turned her earrings on. Or tried to.

"Electric robotics do not work inside Hogwarts!" a voice cried from the ceiling.

Everyone looked up. Hermione the Zombie and Cho the Vampire were above, laughing evilly.

"We have you in our clutches!" Cho said with a sneer. "You cannot escape!"

Fortunately, Fleur had not only paid attention in herbology class, she was a regular reader of _The Quibbler_, and knew of the anti-supernatural-slut powers of mistletoe.

Unfortunately, Ginny guessed what she was going to do. If Fleur rescued them all, she would be the hero... and attract Neville.

In the bloodshed that followed, the mistletoe was flung from its place on the doorframe and accidently struck Hermione as she dove to the fight scene.

She disintegrated upon contact. A tube of lipstick clattered to the floor.

"Luna was right," Padma said. "It was lipstick poisening." Then, with an evil laugh rivaling Hermione's and Cho's, she flung the lipstick at Luna.

But the moment it touched Luna, she vanished.

All the girls cheered. Hermione the Zombie was finally gone, and Luna was also, for all intents and purposes, gone.

Unfortunately, so was Neville. He had escaped during the commotion through the door (which had been left open when the girls had moved in on Luna and was now happily opening his presents and hanging out with the guys.)

Yes, all that Christmas had brought was tragedy.

_**Merry Christmas!**_

* * *

**SHOUT OUTS!**

**dragonfirechick:** My friend Chad suggested the Smarties.

**Dragonsbane1611:** Thanks!

**flyingfireworks: **You know, I think I will have to bring Draco and his villainy back.

**Hydrangea777: **Oh, I hate Cho with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. And yes, Neville will get together with whomever survives. (I hope it is Luna, even though JK says it's a no-go.)

**krenya-alenak:** Cho deserves gruesomeness. This is probably the most violent story I've done.

**LCH8292:** I don't know why they like Neville. I just thought it would be funny.

**liseli:** Eh, briefness is fine.

**mirficus: **Glad I did get a laugh out of you! Of course, anything is funny at 4 AM.

**MyOwnLittleWorld:** Thanks!

**rosepetal13:** Bwahaha! She only said she was napping.

**The Spatula Chick: **Thanks for your opinion, but this is a parody. Please give me better criticism than what you gave me. And I happen to find Neville adorable.

**Tru Lys:** And we must fight against the zombies!!!

**UniCornVampire3z:** Lol! I think Luna was the easiest to keep in character. It's hard to keep them in character and still acting... like this.

**v-babe24:** Merry Christmas, cuz!


	6. Survivor Style

It had been decided. In a world of non-Mormon history and practice where no one ever bothered to read Robert Jordan novels, only one solution was apparent: One girl, and one girl only, could have Neville. And as the rampant chaos over him had led only to bloodshed, death, and way too many meetings with Dumbledore and parents, there was only one apparent way to select a girl for Neville–since it was clear that he wouldn't be allowed to have a choice in the matter. So in a mass rebellion the student body brought forth a vote: All girls who wished to win Neville's affections would be sentenced to stay on an island, magically created, in the middle of the lake. The survivor? She would be the one to win Neville's heart.

So Ginny Weasley, Pansy Parkinson, Parvati and Padma Patil, Lavender Brown, and Fleur Delacour packed up their cosmetics bags and hair care products and hopped a boat for the island. They also brought with them bag upon bag of anti-supernatural-slut lipstick and garlic, in hopes of keeping away Hermione the Zombie and Cho the Vampire, who had not been invited, due to their status of being dead. As for Luna... she had completely disappeared, rumored to have transcended to the next world.

But six girls, in love with the same boy, alone on an island with the complete Clinique skin care line... there was much less swimming in the lake at the point, and the entire school held its breath in anticipation of the outcome.

* * *

France wasn't like this, Fleur thought as she staked out her tent at the edge of the beach, where the rising sun would hopefully not awaken her too early. Back at Beuxbatons, the natural world was controlled. A mosquito would never be allowed to even approach. Never. But now... She swatted at the nasty insects, wondering if Neville would still love her if she was covered in infectious rashes brought on by diseased mosquitos.

But she was Fleur, quarter Veela. She could rise above such. But the other girls... they couldn't possibly be so lucky.

It was getting dark. She needed her beauty sleep. Terribly much. No girl would ever dare attack in the dark. Never. She rolled out her sleeping bag, the one lined with silk, inside the circle of protection she had created against any supernatural brat that would dare approach. Why couldn't Hermione and Cho just stay dead? Well, Fleur would be fine against that. Only one more thing was needed before she slept. Padma had kindly given her a box of dryer sheets, which supposedly kept away mosquitos. Just slip one in the sleeping bag...

Her hand stopped above the box. A trick. It had to be a trick. With a smile, Fleur took the box in hand and tossed it into the woods. "I would never take edvice from a girl 'oo is not a natural blonde!" she screamed.

But a second scream, more pained and anguished than Fleur's responded back. "It burns!" Flames, distant through the trees, lit up the darkness.

Oops. Parvati. Fleur would have felt guilty, but one more rival down... Unless she could make that two. She darted through the trees, using her wand to send flames to burn them out of her way. She found Parvati rolling on the ground in pain, too panicked to use a Flame Freezing charm, screaming bloody murder and glaring at Fleur with malice.

Fleur tried to look as innocent as possible. "It was Padma, your sister! She told me to do it! She told me!"

An evil laugh echoed, and even Parvati and her burning body paused. Padma stepped from the trees, looking particularly villainous. "Yes, it was my idea. And Fleur, darling, you walked right into it!"

Fleur gasped. "But... but I thought that you were trying to kill me!"

Padma shrugged. "Eh, I don't care who dies. Every Muggle knows that dryer sheets are a fire hazard anyway, even if they do keep mosquitos away. I didn't expect witches to know that."

"But we aren't Muggles!" Parvati wailed, trying to beat out the flames that were consuming her.

"I dated a Muggle-born, darling sister. One that wasn't anywhere near as sexy as Neville, but he provided his uses. And now, Fleur, you French whore, you shall also die!" Padma pulled out her wand.

Fleur gasped. "You vould not dare!"

"I'm killing my twin sister, why wouldn't I kill you?" Indeed, Padma showed no semblance of guilt. "Die!"

But then, horribly, Padma was struck from behind, with a well-placed toss of peach cucumber body lotion. It broke open upon her skull, and burst, spreading to both Fleur and the already flaming Parvati.

The deaths were horrible.

And, somewhere above in the trees, Ginny and Pansy shared a rare laugh and a high five.

For one night, at least, Gryffindor and Slythering had managed to create a temporary alliance. Always necessary for surviving on an island.

But it could not possibly last.

Nor could they possible see, during their elation, the flaming body that was slowly crawling toward the cool waters lapping at the beach...

* * *

Shout Outs!

wickedricia: Cho is a nutcase. Glad you enjoy this! Thanks!

Tru Lys: Thanks!

Swordmaster J: Yes! Yay for randomness!

RealityIntrovert: Ooh, I love Neville/Luna. Absolutely I do.

meenyrocks: Thanks!

Lady Kazaana: Of course Jarom is a prodigy!

Krenya: The talking tinsel is a loooong story.

Frosty Pickle Juice: Thanks!

fluffytoe: I wanna Neville bunny!

Eric Cartmen's Evil Minnion: It's kind of sad Neville doesn't make many appearances in this.

BaYeR04rulz: Neville is the coolest, isn't he?


	7. SHSC Inc

Parvati, gasping, finally made it to the lake waters, where the filthy, untreated water of nature that should never, ever be bottled did little to cool her skin. Which was pretty sad, since she was sure that when one was enveloped in flames, some painless third degree burns would actually emerge. Curse the way human flesh reacted to flame! Couldn't it just be even?

But it was too late, no matter what severity of burns she now had. The other girls had proved that they were more worthy of Neville's love. It was too late, too late for her! She sobbed extra salt into the water, regretting her misfortune.

"Oh, for crying out loud, use the Flame Freezing Charm!" a voice above her suggested kindly.

Parvati looked past the flames still leaping from her body to a face of much evil. It was Cho the Vampire.

Parvati gasped. "Have you come to drain my blood?"

Cho rolled her eyes. "No way, that's sick. I only perform my midnight feasts upon hot guys that I wish to turn into vampires."

"So you don't want Neville to be a vampire?"

"Of course I do! But it must be the perfect moment!" Cho sighed dreamily. "Now perform that Flame Freezing Charm before Zombie Hermione has to go for the brains of a Muggle plastic surgeon!"

The Flame Freezing Charm. Of course. Parvati felt a bit silly, and blushingly performed the spell. Immediately the flames turned into happy tickles. She giggled.

"Ooh, frozen flames!" Cho squealed, putting her hand in.

"Morons." Hermione the Zombie appeared, looking rather irked. "It's very creepy to have a burning girl on the beach when this stupid water should have washed them away."

"Won't work," Cho replied. "Earlier Pansy cursed the waters so now girls can try and leave."

Hermione sighed, pulled out a wand of rotting flesh-covered bone, and swished the flames from Parvati.

"Gee," said Parvati. "Why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden?"

Both Cho and Hermione's eyes went dark, darker than blood under moonlight.

"Because," Hermione said in a voice that was even darker than her eyes. "We wish you to join our ranks of Sexy Hot Supernatural Chicks."

"SHSC?" Parvati tried to pronounce.

"Don't try," Cho advised. "We didn't mean it to be a cute little acronym. Anyway, since you were set on fire, we thought that you could be Parvati the Will-o-Whisp."

"How can I--"

"Fantasy writers and video game creators refuse to pick up a simple book of actual folklore for their beings. So we figure we'd do the same and give you a name that simply sounded cool."

"Parvati the Will-o-Whisp," Parvati the Will-o-Whisp said thoughtfully. "I like! So, we're all friends?"

"Of course," said Hermione. "Freaky supernatural books always have a hot guy with a harem. We figure we'll pretend to get along until all the mortals are destroyed, then fight for Neville among just the three of us. Now you must join us for a bit of disaster. They're voting someone off the island."

* * *

Indeed, it was that time when Ginny, Pansy, and Lavender, the only survivors, had to vote one of their own off the island.

Ginny had put herself in charge of tallying the votes. An irritating job.

"Lavender, for the last time," she screeched. "You cannot vote Simon off of the island! He's not on the island! He's the guy on American Idol!"

Lavender sniffed. "I still don't like him."

"He's not competing for Neville's affections!" Ginny sighed. "Okay, next one. Pansy, Simon's not on the island!"

Pansy scowled. "So who did you vote off?"

Ginny blushed. "Never mind."

"You voted off Simon!" Pansy and Lavender chanted.

Another sigh. "Fine. We'll wait till next week. If Simon was on the island with us right now, he'd get kicked off. Now, to our next order of business. I thought we should all make cute little cards for Neville."

Pansy and Lavender cheered. And all three girls brought out all their scrapbooking stuff and set to work making cards.

They were too busy noticing the three Sexy Hot Supernatural Chicks sneaking to the voting booth, ready to put the three survivors even more against one another...

And, somewhere in the trees, Simon laughed evilly.

**Shout Outs!**

Lady Rosinsniffer: Pansy and Ginny dueling is VERY likely.

RealityIntrovert: Oh, I love Ginny. I just might actually have her survive.

xPussyWillowKittenx: Hey, nothing like humor, blood, and gore! Thanks!

hydraspit: Thanks!

Lady Kazaana: Don't worry; Luna shall return in glory.

BaYeR04rulz: Hey Grace!


	8. Luna's Return

The week had passed gloriously. Not only had Lavender, Pansy, and Ginny made plenty of cute little homemade cards for Neville, they had also completely caught up on the scrapbooking–enchanted wizarding world photos just tended to pile up in old boxes. Now all the moving people were horribly strapped down under stickers and photo tape. Oh, and laminated. So, for that week, the battle for Neville's heart been paused.

But alas, voting time had reared once more its ugly head.

They gathered to their spot on the beach–where they now kept all their cute beanbag chairs, and once again prepared to vote.

Little did that know that not only had the Sexy Hot Supernatural Chicks infiltrated the voting box, but so had _American Idol's _Simon.

Pansy screamed to the heavens when she saw what had become of the voting box. "It's... it's... mauve!" Hardly could she contain her sorrow.

Yes, the box had been painted a hideous shade of mauve.

"Who could have done this?" Lavender cried. "Who could be so cruel? Especially when mauve is so out?"

"Only one person could have done this!" Ginny said. "And it's–him!" She pointed across the beach at Simon, who was laughing most evilly.

Pansy gasped. "You can't be here! We voted you off last week! This is breaking all sorts of reality show rules except for that one season of _The Bachelor_ with the creepy stalker chick!"

Simon immediately stopped laughing. "You... you voted me off?" His accent dropped, revealing his true Southern Utah voice. "How dare you vote me off!"

"We can vote whoever we please off this island!" Ginny snapped. "Dumbledore said so!"

"Yeah, well, Dumbledore was killed off in the last book!" Simon replied.

The girls stared.

"Darn," Lavender said. "Eh, it was his time to go. But that only means we have full control over this island!"

"That is true," Ginny said. "But it also means that Simon gave a spoiler and has possibly ruined the last book for so many! He must die!" And with that, she pulled out her handy-dandy scythe and leaped at Simon.

He gave a war cry and pulled out a microphone.

While that battle commenced, Pansy and Lavender cast their votes and proceeded to check the ballot box.

The result was horrifying. Despite the fact that Pansy and Lavender were the only ones voting, the mauve box was full of slips paper.

After much with the counting, it was determined that since the SHSC had made equal copies of the surviving girls' names, Ginny was too busy fighting Simon to vote, and Pansy and Lavender had attempted to vote each other off... Ginny was the only one who did not get voted off the island.

In essence, she had won.

Except at that very moment of victory, even before she learned she had won Neville, Simon lobbed off her head with his microphone.

"No!" Pansy and Lavender cried in unison. "That means nobody won!"

"And now we're trapped on this island," Simon said bitterly.

To be trapped on an island with Simon was the most horrible type of torture. Fortunately, at that moment, a meteor conveniently struck Simon and killed him much wickedly.

Lavender stared wistfully across the lake. "I guess the only thing we can do now is find a way to get back to Hogwarts."

"But they probably closed it due to Dumbledore's awful death," Pansy pointed out. "But that means..."

"Party in an empty school!" Lavender shouted in jubilation. She and Pansy exchanged high-fives.

"But what about the ghosts?" Pansy asked. "And the remnants of all the other girls that were killed over Neville?"

"Oh, I know exactly what to do about them!" whispered a mysterious yet familiar voice.

And Luna materialized before them, alive and unharmed, clutching a deadly–

"Hair dryer?" Pansy asked dubiously.

"This is an ancient hair dryer that has been passed down through the centuries," Luna explained. "I found it when I slipped on an invisibility cloak last Christmas and made everyone think I had evaporated or something. First of all, I will use it to summon up the spirits of Fleur, Ginny, and Padma. They will be most useful in the conquering of Hogwarts."

_To Be Continued..._


	9. Down with McGongall!

"Well," said McGonagall as she locked the doors of Hogwarts for the last time and wiped a tear from her eye. "I guess this is it. The end."

Professor Sinistra nodded sadly. "I know. And to think I never even received a decent part in any of the books! I was just the pathetic background character."

The inner McGonagall was laughing—it was great to have roles when no one else got them-- but on the outside the pretended to sympathize with Sinistra. "I'm sorry. But now you can travel to the United States and maybe get a walk-in cameo on an episode of _Will and Grace."_

Sinistra visibly brightened. "That's true! They'll recognize anyone on _Will and Grace_!Oh, if only Jack were straight!"

McGonagall gasped. She, too, secretly wanted Jack! Even more than she had wanted Chandler on _Friends. _Or even Martin on _Frasier._ Well, that would have to wait. If Sinistra could get a cameo on _Will and Grace, _she, Professor Minerva McGonagall, certainly could. Besides, there were more important things to take care of.

"Well, go get the role and your fifteen minutes of fame. Maybe they'll let you on _Hollywood Squares._ Think of me when you're famous! Bye!" And she shoved Sinistra away from Hogwarts property.

There. That took care of all the teachers. And students. Except for the girls out on the island in the middle of the lake, but who cared about them? And now she had Hogwarts all to herself. She took a moment to laugh evilly. This would be where she would rendezvous with Severus Snape. No, they did not work for Voldemort. In fact, they were very much against Voldemort and the many mean and naughty things that he did. But it was they, she and Snape, who had plotted, schemed, and conspired against Albus Dumbledore for countless years now.

In fact, it had been her idea to have Snape kill him. Not that Snape hadn't whole-heartedly liked that idea. But she was the genius. Snape was but a lackey.

And now that all students and faculty were gone, she could reenter Hogwarts, go through Dumbledore's office (Snape had secured a way in there) and steal Albus' Famous Chewy-Chocolate-Almond-Fudge-Chocolate Chip cookie recipe! And transform Hogwarts into not only a giant bakery but the foundation of a multi-million-galleon international conglomerate corporation that snuffed out all small-time cookie makers! McGonagall took a moment to laugh evilly before unlocking the door and stepping back into Hogwarts.

Unfortunately, she wasn't alone.

Just inside the door was Luna Lovegood wielding a mysterious hairdryer of enchanted and legendary origin, and Pansy Parkinson and Lavender Brown conducting a séance. They all stared at McGonagall in horror.

"Gasp!" said McGonagall. "You weren't reading my thoughts about having Professor Dumbledore killed as a way to clear everyone out of Hogwarts so I might still Albus' FamousChewy-Chocolate-Almond-Fudge-Chocolate Chip cookie recipe and transform Hogwarts into not only a giant bakery but the foundation of a multi-million-galleon international conglomerate corporation that snuffed out all small-time cookie makers!"

"Well, now we know all about it," Pansy said. "Moron."

McGonagall pulled out her wand. "Avada—"

But she wasn't able to finish the killing curse. For the hairdryer activated the séance, and out popped the spirits of Fleur, Ginny, and Padma—in all their ghostly power.

"You cannot kill them while we stand in your way!" Ginny declared. "For in the reality of death we have put away our differences and our shared love for Neville Longbottom, and we will protect one another!"

"Yes!" called another voice. In shock, everyone looked up to see the Sexy Hot Supernatural Chicks hovering above them. "They may be three ghosts and two mortals and we may be far superior supernatural creatures, but we share the mystical bonds of sisterhood!"

"Did you say all of that in perfect unison?" McGonagall asked.

Cho the Vampire, Hermione the Zombie, and Parvati the Will-o-Whisp all looked at each other, then nodded once more in unison. "Yes."

"We've been practicing," Hermione added. "Makes us even more creepy."

"Well, practicing is always important when learning something." McGonagall once more brandished her wand. "But no matter what you are, I will get that cookie recipe!"

"But we already decided to take over Hogwarts!" Luna declared. "The recipe is ours!"

"And you will pay for helping to kill a nice old man like Dumbledore!" shouted the ghost of Padma.

Everyone stared at her.

She blushed a ghostly blush. "Oh, yes. I forgot we don't like him."

And the girls all began to throw nail polish at McGonagall. And old N'Sync pins. And old N'sync CDs.

But it wasn't long before they ran out of stuff.

Just then, however, the door flew open, and in ran…

Everyone gasped.

It was Neville Longbottom, with his shirt OFF, and the rest of his clothing a glorious Rambo-style. He was even carrying a grenade.

"Neville!" the girls all cried. And their temporary sisterhood was lost.

"Never fear, ladies!" Neville shouted, pulling the pin and throwing the grenade at McGonagall and killing her forever. "I have finally grown out of my awkward shy boy stage, and I've decided that there is enough Neville to go around! And if not, we can all move to Southern Utah and become polygamists!"

There was much rejoicing.

And thus was Hogwarts taken over—not turned into a cookie factory, but a place to hang out at until they all became bored and left. When Snape arrived, they all broke into Dumbledore's office, found his cookie recipe, made cookies, and had one huge party.

And they all lived happily ever after.

_**The End!**_


End file.
